How to Hinder the Grieving Process

Clichés are seldom helpful to the grieving and usually create more frustration for them. Avoid making any statements that minimize the loss. It is more therapeutic to simply listen compassionately, say little and do whatever you can to help ease the burden of grief.

"It depends on your experience with this thing called life. People who have had nothing bad happen have a different set of beliefs and thoughts than we do. I have more to add to the list of comments I feel miss the reality of our experiences: 'You worry about your son too much' - 'You don't have any faith' - 'You need to trust God more' - 'You always think something bad is going to happen' - 'You can be so negative' - 'You dwell on the bad things that happen' - "You need to think positive' - As I have said previously, once you have experienced THAT PHONE CALL, it is hard to do any of the above-mentioned comments. Life can change in a New York minute. Some people don't know this and I am glad."
~Amy

1. The number one "No No" word is the word "closure." "Closure is simply a media buzz word with no substance", according to Philip Shults, whose 22-year-old son Craig was brutally murdered and whose 18-year-old son Scott committed suicide one year later. The traumatic death of a loved one will never be "closed."

   EXAMPLE: The murderer is caught and convicted and receives a sentence of life in prison. Life in prison doesn't mean "life" and in most cases, the murderer will be up for parole after a certain number of years. The surviving families must continually fight to keep the murderer(s) of their loved one(s) behind bars.

   EXAMPLE: The murderer is never caught. The surviving families spend the rest of their lives searching for the murderer - living in fear - living with possible anger at law enforcement officials for not solving their loved one's case.

   EXAMPLE: The murderer is another family member or loved one.

2. "Your loved one is in a better place" - surviving families feel that the "better place" is home with them.
3. "You need to go on with your life - let it go" - Jutta, whose daughter Nicole was murdered, says, "That one burns me up. It is difficult to be a non-survivor. Thank God they don't know how we feel. I think they are shocked at the fact that we have a murdered daughter - they don't know how to put their feelings into words because really, how can they understand the shock, guilt, hate, anger, revenge? I mean we have all these feelings bottled up and ready to explode inside."
4. "I know how you feel" - unless you have lost a loved one to murder, you will never know how a Survivor feels.

   Linda, who lost her brother to murder, says, "For someone who has not lost a loved one to say to you, "I know how you feel" is not the right thing to say. I don't want anyone to tell me that they know how I feel about losing my brother the way I did, because they don't, and I pray they never have to. If you haven't "been there," you can't know. For some people, "I know how you feel," or "I know what you are going through" is just something they think they are supposed to say, or that they are expected to say. They should say that they don't know how you feel, but would like to do what they can for you. I know that you lost your child, but I really don't know what you went through because I have not been there. I am sorry and sad for you, but I do not know how you feel. I am here for you when and if you want to talk about it. I can listen to what you have to say about it, but I can't tell you that I know how you feel. I can't tell you that you will get over it."

5. "He is up with God looking down on me" - As Mary who lost her son Kyle to murder says, " He needs to be down here with ME."
6. "Things happen for a reason" - what possible reason could there be to murder anyone?
7. "God needs him more than we did" - who can speak for God?

   Erica states that she is sorry for how she feels, but she says, "I have some questions for good ol' God. Where was He when Hunter's father was violently shaking him and bashing his head into a "hard object?" "Where was He when I prayed that my baby would live?" "Where was He when all of this crap was happening?" "Would it have changed so much stuff in the world if He had let my precious angel live?" I know it says that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, but sometimes I think He is a little misguided in who He takes and when."

8. "He will no longer be in pain" - most loved ones who were murdered weren't in pain to begin with.
9. "It will be all right" - how can it be all right? Their loved one has been murdered.
10. "It will get better" - things may get easier, but it takes many months and even years - too far in the future for families to find comfort from these words.
11. "It was God's will" - what does that make the murderer - God's little helper? Calling a tragic loss the "will of God" can have a devastating impact on the faith of others. Consider Dorothy's experience: "I was nine years old when my mother died and I was very, very sad. I did not join in the saying of the prayers at my parochial school. Noticing that I was not participating in the exercise, the teacher called me aside and asked what was wrong. I told her my mother died and I missed her, to which she replied, 'It was the will of God. God needs your mother in Heaven.' But I felt that I needed my Mother far more than God needed her. I was angry at God for years because I felt he took her from me."
12. "He was in the wrong place at the wrong time" - this statement places the blame on the victim.
13. "Time heals all wounds" - time doesn't heal anything - it's what you do with that time.
14. "You are so strong"
15. "I admire your courage"
16. "No sense in crying over spilled milk"
17. "Life goes on"
18. "Count your blessings"
19. "Only the good die young"
20. "You still have your memories"
21. "What doesn't kill you, helps you"
22. "God didn't give you anything you cannot handle"
23. "God has something better for you in store"
24. "This will pass"

Carolyn, whose son Clint was murdered and then set on fire, said, "I used to quietly accept the ignorant words of those who have not had a child murdered but some words or thoughts I can no longer even tolerate without saying back my thoughts of B.S. Even if I might or want to believe those words for myself, I certainly do not want someone else to say them to me."

Sometimes there are no words at all, but a hug and a shoulder for support are all that will do.

Don't make promises you cannot keep. Remember, the families are going to hold you to those promises.

Don't place unrealistic "shoulds" on a family

1. You should be over that by now
2. You should get out and have some fun
3. You should be feeling better
4. You should be able to forgive
5. You should put it behind you and get on with your life